Three Hindrances: Envy

2.19.19

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I’ve been wanting to share something very vulnerable about some not-so positive aspects of myself that no longer serves me. After sharing these shadowy aspects of myself out loud to others at a women’s moon circle last month, I felt lighter for voicing these hindrances that has cause me so much unnecessary suffering. I know it sounds dramatic to say that envy causes me so much suffering. But as a highly sensitive being, I feel every experience so deeply. 

I’ve done several things that used to scare me this year:

1) Lead a creative workshop on my own.

2) Shared my biggest fear surround money + worth. 

I’m working through my perceived limiting blocks that I’m releasing by sharing them in my digital diary.

Even though I’m generally comfortable sharing about myself openly in-person, sharing my insecurities online is another level of vulnerability for me.

I’ve done a lot of inner work. It’s a constant work in progress. Continually shifting my perspective, cultivating self-love, and transforming from past traumas and triggers. In the past two years, I’ve been living my life like I’m on a daily meditation retreat. Constantly shifting and shedding what no longer serves me. Living a conscious and mindful life to me means being aware of all thoughts, actions, and perceived reality. Seeing where I can grow and being compassionate with the process.

On this Full Moon in Virgo, it felt like the perfect opportunity to share some vulnerable bits on my digital platform. My intention for shedding light on my personal shadow is to lovingly surrender and accept with grace that I am not perfect. That these messy, imperfect feelings are normal and part of my human experience.

ENVY.

I don’t think anyone wants to admit they are a jealous or envious type, especially me. 

I’ve learned that there is a slight difference between envy and jealousy. Envy is a desire to have a possession, quality, or someone else’s desirable attribute. Jealousy is fearing that someone will take away your possession, quality, or desirable attribute.

Personally, there is so much pain and shame associated with these feelings because at a dark point in my life, I was extremely depressed. I had no friends, no purpose, no abundant mindset and lacked self-love and worth. I was deeply insecure, negative, and felt unloveable. I was jealous of everyone else who had things that I didn’t have, who had friends and a positive direction (career or outlook in life).

My current life is the complete opposite of those dark years and it manifested from years of inner work. What I was envious of were things I desired for myself. I’ve worked through my depression and healed past experiences in childhood and adolescence that caused these feelings of insecurity. Took years to build that inner self love and compassion to transform my life and experience. But subconsciously, I still dissociated from those memories of my past self and lingering shadow. I would resist and resent any feelings of envy, jealousy, and insecurity I personally experienced or witnessed in others.

In my mind, I am a confident and perfect person with little to no insecurities.

My thoughts would be like “How could I feel these negative feelings again if I’ve already worked through it?” “I’ve grown out of those insecurities and if people are envious or jealous of me, that’s their own problem.” “Why do I have to dim my light because someone else can’t see their light”

Writing these out makes me feel guilty, selfish, and arrogant. More things I don’t really love or accept about myself. But the main point here is that when I recognize envy or jealousy in others, I get very uncomfortable. Memories of my past self would project onto others as an uncomfortable mirror for me to witness.

With social media constantly showing us everyone’s highlight reels, these feelings get amplified. 

As a highly sensitive being, the feeling of receiving an energy of envy or jealousy is much more complicated. I’ve interpreted these as others wanting me to dim my light. But it’s not a fight between someone else’s insecurity and myself. It’s a conflict between my own perfect version of self resenting my projected past shadow self. In the western spiritual perspective, this is called the light and the shadow.

I’m really good at psychoanalyzing myself and gained the self-awareness to source the root causes to my suffering. Transformation and inner knowing has been a karmic theme for me. 

I’ve since learned to be more compassionate and less judgmental when I witness envy or jealous in myself and others. Because when I resent something about someone, it’s only a reflection of my own denied aspects of my shadow self.

More recently, my own personal growth has really catapulted me into being a conscious guide and space holder. To be a compassionate leader, I know I have to shed all the layers of envy and jealousy that has blocked me. It takes up too much energy and unnecessary suffering.

What I’m also shining a light on is our human experience versus what is perceived in the digital space. It’s difficult to truly understand someone’s life with a holistic perspective through social media because it’s normal to compare someone’s highlight reels with our everyday. I’ve shares a lot of my positive experiences because I see life with an optimistic point of view. But I’m learning to balance my positive experiences and recognizing the shadowy parts.

My life was not always this purposeful. There is still a lot of learning and growing.

My professional line of work and my platform makes me very visible. Naturally, I’m very open and honest in real life, so this space I’ve created mirrors that. Being myself may be prone to judgements, comparison and receiving negative energies of envy and jealousy. It’s a practice of compassion and creating boundaries.

I’m no longer putting energy into judging that within myself or resenting others who experience similar feelings. I’m only accountable to my own perceived experiences. It’s all normal and part of the human experience. 

If you’ve read through this much, I’m honored you find interest in my conscious perspective. I invite you to consciously consume these digital constructs of our lives (the highlight reels and all) without comparing it to yours.

We all have a unique journey. If you’re not convinced, trust me that my life is not perfect. I’m writing this out as a reminder for myself. As much as my Ego and ‘Higher Self’ would rather not admit it.. I’m not prone to envy or jealousy. I’m learning to see it as an opportunity to learn, grow, and respond with compassion.

I’m grateful to you for taking the time to witness my openness and honesty. I hope I have inspired insight or mirrored something within you and transform within.

Will continue to share my hindrances in future diary posts.

With Gratitude,

Kristine